Ho ho ho,

is near once again.That means it's time for some stuff. That stuff means some people are going to get a bit too worried, some a bit sad. Some are going to be hitting their year's peak while others hit the bottom. When night falls we see colored lights in home grown patterns. We smell cake and cookies all too often; we see pie and alcohol arrive like cousins. Wrapped in clothes or paper, what's the difference? All lacquered to the brim, veneers shinning bright. Still, we all kind of love the ridiculousness of it. Charity is an apron wearing, bell wielding coin collector. Commercialism is epitomized by an Obese old man in red fur. Yet we all kind of love him. Why? Because we are caught up in sickening and healing nostalgia. It must be getting close to christmas. Are we forgetting tho that it is supposed to be about something more?
I dont think so. I sometimes wonder if christmas really IS about Jesus. Not too say that it shouldnt be, or that it wasnt at some time. Now tho..is he the reason for the season, as so many neighbors signs proclaim. He should be, but if he isn't. At least we try to make it about giving and caring for others, key word here is try.What im saying is that i feel like christmas no longer is about Christ. It started out that way,but is no longer. Do we attempt to curve public opinion, do we have our own silent remembrances. How would we even celebrate such a momentous occasion? This isnt for or against our current holiday, i enjoy christmas to the fullest. Im simply thinking out loud, and making my thoughts semi public. Anyways, Happy christmas.

Listening to Bag End by Howard shore.
and He made a mess by Benjamin Lyman

Love aint a thing

Ive decided to do a few things. Im working out, and running. I dont want to get big or anything, but i want to be healthy. Im currently listening to "Born and Raised", John Mayer's latest album. I really like it. Unlike alot of music that makes me angry, or sad, this makes me really happy. Along with Howard shore's LOTR soundtrack, it makes me happy as well. I was thinking about a few things lately, such as being a fool and happy vs. being learned,educated and being cynical and hateful. Why is this often the case? Had I never learned to read would i still be the happy child i was before i grew to be the bitter person i am now? I enjoy listening to Born and Raised, and the soundtrack for The Shire, because it makes it feel better. Yes the world is stupid, and kind of pointless, but its beautiful in a simple way. We may have shinier horses, better plows, wood floors instead of dirt, tiled roof's instead of thatched ones; But we're no different than we were back then. We still work in our little circles, we strive to survive, to get food, to find pleasure, to find love. We still walk around and think ourselves high. Im only now starting to realize that it's funny rather than dumb. We are children in wearing adult clothing. Maybe those of us who realize that life's kinda silly, should strive to see it as such. A fun game worth maintaing. Im not getting my point across very well, but ill expound upon it later.

You have to look out your window at all the cars, running in their little circles; shake your head with a knowing smirk, and love them for it. Thats it.


When you gonna wise up boy, love is a verb

The Road goes ever on and on

Down from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow, if I can,

-Ian

Why do I, along with others, sing,write,talk,yell about suffering and hatred? It doesnt do anything does it. Couldnt my time be better spent looking for ways to eradicate this Disease called hate. My friend was complaining to me the other day, about how she never gets to sing on stage. She mentioned how unfair it was, and how unfairly she was being treated. She went on to say that the leader's are biased and dont like her as much as the others.
I stopped her and asked if she had mentioned any of this to The leader in charge of Scheduling. She said no. I told her,"If your not willing to do something about it, you have no right to complain about it."

Oh baby boy, get ready. Get ready for quite the ride. Tv, Books, Movies, Parents, Friends, Elders, Youngers, Shmucks, cowboys, and drivers have all built it up so well. They have created and constructed your set with such detail you dont know your living on one. Dont get me wrong, its ugly and horrible and by no means happy, but they know how to build a convincing world.
There's a catch though; its wrong.

What's out there and what you can make of it, isnt entirely up to you. Try as hard as you'd like and it really wont matter. Or maybe it will, Maybe it is entirely up to you. You dont have to be a doctor Or  lawyer or Civic engineer to be happy. Perhaps all that is needed for happiness and success is Effort and Love. A bit of passion, to give up on trying to be individual. If your special wont it manifest itself? Focus on building your self, not your self image.

wHO KNOWS

If i had 100 baby's and One cow, Would i eat the cow?
Interesting discussion tonight, very interesting. Human life and its value's based on ethics and morality. Do we need a God to maintain Objective Standards? Hmm hmm hm

Whats eating gilbert Grape

I watched that today, it put me in such a strange mood. Ive only felt that way Three other times. Once when i watched "I am Sam" I was in third grade i think. A second time when i watched "Radio" I was in Fifth Grade. Most recently when i finished reading "Of mice and men".

Pay us no mind

I thought i would write something,this, before i drown myself in the forgetfulness of social networking. I am sad, acutely felt sadness. A sharp sense of leaving, letting go of things i know now are special.

I went on a missions trip to england. Honestly, it was unlike anything ive been on previously and it surpassed every expectation i had set up beforehand. Meeting people who believed of their own will, when their parents wished they would believe otherwise. The scenery was breathtaking; I believed scenery such as that was no longer around. Modern expansion's Steel fingers left Camelford Untouched. After seeing the views and the sea, i can understand where Tolkien found inspiration to conjure up elves and Hobbits and magic. It is truly a place where you can still feel the remnants of a time gone by, where magic was thick and belief in it even denser.

More than any of the scenery or new friends,  i will miss those i went on the trip with most of all. They are truly people worth knowing, worthy of attention they will not get. I wish to live up to their expectations, so that i may give them credit. There are many things i wish i could change about our time together, but that is a moot point. With the time i am given, i refuse to squander. Carpe Diem. "Seize the day boys, make your lives' extraordinary". Be it a card on her windshield, or an invite to tea, I will seize the time i have left. Im sorry i Hurt people, im sorry i paid you no mind. Thats life tho, Im just your neighbor with 15 chickens, squawking away. Yet i am not home to pick up their eggs, so they lay rotting in my lawn.

-The Staves
 , Pay us no Mind.


May the stars watch over you, and peace live in your heart.

-Ian

Henry and a spritzer

Very often we allow our goals or ambitions to become substitutes for action.We allow Thinking to take the place of conversing. The knowledge of one's potential is enough to sate one's desire for greatness or achievement." I could'a  been at the top baby, but i jus' didnt want to be one of those people, ya know? Who dont spend any time enjoying life; music and writing arn't about forcing something to come, it has just gotta happen, like a wet dream, ya know? "

pardon that terrible example. Im just stuttering along here trying to say that we let our potential become our achievement. We do not achieve because we are pacified in telling ourselves that we COULD have done it. When our anger and disappointment begin to surface, we just layer on a thick cream of could have and eventually, we believe it. Our fear of failure, our fear of strange circumstance, keep us from trying.
We convince ourselves we could have, but didn't. We didnt fail because we weren't good enough but because we chose not to compete. A life lived on could have. Maybe you would have done something, maybe you would not have done something. I will never know unless i try.

SEX MAN!

I dont know what it is about it, but it just sorta makes me cringe. It's the great destroyer and creator of innocence.Seeing as it takes away something..but has the potential to create life. Everyone wants it, but it seems like an awful thing, people are never the same afterwords. This isnt to say people should never grow up, but i feel like the world would be a better, more productive, place if babies were really delivered or were produced Asexually. This might seem like a strange subject to be hating or discussing, but at a time where the pursuit of it pushes all other goals aside.Its just sad, friendships dissolve due to its tension or presence; relationships peak or crash as an after effect of this. Im sure its naivety, but people everywhere are in pursuit of purity and innocence. If we cannot achieve this we often submerge ourselves in the antithesis. Why do we love babies? Not just human babies but baby dogs and tigers and monkeys. They have not learned to fear, they have not learned what it is to struggle to survive, they are at an innocence we will never regain. BLEH, im not yet a father, and i hope to avoid being such for twenty years or so, but i couldnt imagine the trepidation i would feel, about a daughter. Does it really take away anything from us? i think...but dont know
idk its all nonsense really, life happens, we must accept that it happens. We can fight the bugs, we can fight the sun, we can fight the night; Squashing, build shade, create light, but we cannot avoid the inevitable human nature. We must either accept it as it is, people are people. Or we ourselves will wither away from the hate we harbor for the people we cannot change.

mind erased

I saw a movie, they got their memories erased, and seemingly started over again but chose to do the exact same things. I can only wonder if we as individuals, if me as a person, are so set in out ways that we would do the same thing, time after time, chance after chance. Would i love the same person, would i think the same things, make the same mistakes, If at the end of my life i begged God for a second chance and he said okay; but you wont know its a redo, thats my one stipulation. Would my life turn out any differently? Thats the thing i sometimes wonder about, considering reincarnation. If we really are everyone on the planet at once, thats how we eventually become Gods or Enlightend or fulfilled is by experiencing everything, the entire scope of humanity, by making every choice possible, we become fulfilled and KNOW every choice possible thus we can create our own people or selves and let them learn and know.
Its not true, but its a theory.

FOR ONCE, KID!

im so tired of it, im tired of being so insecure. That really cant be an attractive quality, but my fear about the effects of my insecurities is even worse. Grow a backbone for once kid! You sure can talk a big game, but fools have an endless stream of words rushing out of their mouths. Is wisdom, dripped, dribbled or gushed? People talk about truth so much, like it is some sort of candy. It isnt something easy to find, you may have found a reality, but reality isnt truth, reality is a sham, the biggest phony ever faked in the sheets of life, in the bedroom of ha ha's. Gosh its sad,im only sure when their unsure. Maybe it is all a power trip for me.

I love this song, Mary(alternate version) by Yellow ostrich, and Stuck on the Puzzle by Alex turner. Each of these songs lend me some peace of mind. True or not, they do. I always say to myself,"Boy, your non commited self will be fine when you hit fourty or fifty, you'll have it figured out and be so God Damned Wise. No need to worry about how to get there, you just will. Stop worrying about being wise now, you cant be wise in Old Age if your Wise in your youthful years, There's only such much smart a man can handle, you get m' meaning?" BUT WHO KNOWS MAN WHO HAS IT ALL FIGURED OUT.

i wonder where who lives, and where the heck has he been hiding, under what Alias does he write his songs and books?

How does the wind blow, how is it heavy? There really isnt much weight there, is there?

there's always an awful feeling when you suddenly realize your not a good person, or not as good as you imagined yourself to be. As i say suddenly, i realize it is not a sudden realization but a slow process of ignoring signs and shifts in ones self image and actions. So once again my incompetence reigns supreme,personified as the lead horse on my self driven carriage ride to an unhappy destruction, and what are my reins made of you ask ? well let me tell you dear fool, it is laziness.
damn poop.

im sure, but Who know's

on here i have lived, here i have thrived, scorch marks burn my table, what a nasty surprise. Im tired of being cynical, in the worst way,not the good way. It's not a bad thing being cautious, and careful; Although Drying out the water with your withering eye is something to be avoided. Unless it's water witch,a water witch's water will poison the drinking water of the children, they can stand to suffer a pinch of withering. Im graduated, thats important, people tell me all the time. This is the best time of your life, soak it up it wont last long, ahh to be young again, youth is wasted on the young.

Im sure they mean well, but i really hope this isnt as good as it gets, sure i dont have many "fiscal" responsibilities, but what i still have life, and life is not always easy, but worth living, if its always worth living, does it really change in being a better or worse time to be living. Im sure, but who knows. Someone said,"i dont want to grow up, im only good at being young" Have you ever been anything but young, while im sure your proficient in the acting out of the modern interpretation of Youthful fancies; being old could be wonderful as well, or dreadful, im not sure, but Who knows. I dont want to be ineffectual, but im being effective at affecting just by living, im effectively drinking and eating and pissing and pooping. I dont know the reason, but Who does.

I saw Howl's Moving Castle


P.S, you capitalize names, and places, and other such things
Who,

i offer my condolances to those i may have offended. While it may be a beautiful perspective, or metaphoric aid to demonstrating your optimistic and light hearted mindset. I have never understood why people say things, such as The sky is my favorite color, or sunshine is my favorite color, My favorite color is life. The sky is not a color, it is a conglomerate of mirages and reflections that shift and change from place to place and hour to hour. The COLOR of the sky on the other hand, is an acceptably blueish tint. Sunshine is a lovely idea, a warm beam of light that warms the skin and often lifts one's spirit, but sunlight is mostly colorless in view, to the best of my knowledge we dont walk in a yellow tinted world. That is until it passes through something and gives us the rich array of colors we have. When you shine a blue light on someone, they take on a blue tint, or red or yellow etc. But sunlight gives us no such coloring, most of the time.


All that to say i dont know why it bothers me, it probably shouldn't. Yet, when people say things similar to that, it just urks me. It feels like an insincere answer with which they are attempting to appear, dreamy or zenish. Im probably way off, it could be their attempt at being their sincerest, while being unable find the right words, and i'm just being a butt. Maybe i'm the insincere one here, more then likely true, but with the onset of the tolerance mindset, everyone is original and unique so don't judge, strange answers such as those are becoming cliche and fake. I appreciate that your so full of love and clarifying blithe, but every once in a while i would enjoy an answer that is not a broad abstract. I realize that it is alot to ask for anything in this world to be concrete, because nothing really is but still.


What is your favorite food friend? "BREAKFAST!...." She sighs happily. So,...breakfast is your favorite? "INFINITE!" Ok...


FOUR DAYS PASS



Hey friend i made you your favorite! "PANCAKES WITH SAUSAGE PATTIES AND A SIDE OF GLITTER!" No...I wasn't sure what you meant by breakfast...but you love almost everything so i made you a mix! A traditional Burmese breakfast with a hint of Japanese, Steamed brown rice with boiled peas, covered in a beaten raw egg, and a side of miso soup. I smile proudly. "oh. But i hate peas, and im a vegan so i dont eat eggs. But i like tofu, So..SOUP please:)"



Again i apologize, im not trying to be rude, i have many friends whom i love and are something like this. I hope with all my heart that they are sincere, as i believe they are. Even if someone is faking it and are not as they appear. They are trying as we all are.


eh

How do you know when everything's okay? You know you'll be happy someday, that the life you've lived is the one you were supposed to have had. Is anyone really supposed to have anything, as in pre determined to have anything. I think people who believe everything happens for a reason are scared to admit they might die without purpose, as in a meaningless death. I dont know what i wished would have been, if anything maybe that ide walked around more. Not so much that i want to see the scenery, im sure its great, wouldnt it be great tho to be able to tell people that you used to walk everywhere? I just thought of this, it probably isnt true, but it has such a nice ring to it, i thought maybe it might be. Im sad alot of the times, i cant really explain why, or i couldnt, often i thought it was because i had nothing to be sad about. Life seems empty, like walking towards a goal we dont want. Youth is great because it ends. So is life. That brings me to the question "Can sweetness be fully enjoyed without bitter as a contrast, light dark, love hate"
Just now tho, i thought maybe im sad because of my inability to acknowledge my own sanity.I cant accept that nothing about me is unique and all these problems are the same problems hundreds of other people suffer through, if your replaceable, why wake up? Hmm...

I like that movie, i just watched one.Submarine, i really do like it, as much as i like "The catcher in the Rye". As far as movies Go, about being young, Its definitely in my top three. I had a lot of "just nows" but they were spaced out a few hours apart each. sort of, im pretty selfish, it was really only spaced between 9 o clock and three 0 clock.

dear friend regrettably

im sure this will pass

But today i feel an infinite ability to be depressed, to embrace depression. Everything seems so sad and trivial. Why do people spend the best 20 years of their life doing dull work. If it makes them happy i guess, but it seems everything just runs towards a miserable end. Happy love, burned out in a sad marriage; young love put out by a young couples baby. Life ends i guess, i cant really explain myself too well right now. Is the trick in self illusion, or disillusionment. I was talking to alli the other day, i asked her how do you define great men? Why does history only tell the tales of great men? Even those great men become forgotten. We dont remember the things that really matter, sure they made some great art, or they found some new theory, But what was their favorite morning routine, did they love, really love? Were they a morning or night person, what did their neighbors think of them? People strive to be remembered after they are being eaten by worms. Why? Does being remembered make you any less dead? NOPE, when you have dirt in your ears, i dont think you really care anymore. Strive for everything but for what? Asking these questions dont accomplish anything, will being remembered cause the worms to be any less hungry? No, but i like that little quip, it pleases me.


Well...i have to head to work...i think im done making soap...i dont like it..or the atmosphere

sorry, ill be fine soon

This is a thought, people often talk about the divorce rate as if it were a blight. How shameful and ugly is the scar divorce leaves on those involved. Is this really how it is? It sort of makes more sense to me as a successful shedding of dying skin. Let me explain. While those who are involved in a loving marriage should no doubt be applauded, those who are in a bad, dying marriage, based on lust or false pretenses should seek to improve their life, and possibly the lives of their children. Why should one mistake follow another? You made a mistake of marrying in the first place, or found out she is terrible to your kids or something, i raise my glass to them who have the courage to get out of such a harmful relationship, i give a standing ovation tho to those who keep a working and functioning marriage love alive.

im not sure of the truth or what have you in these sentences, just a thought is all

life's carrying on as usual. For the first time in years, ive finished a school project completely. Senior research paper is done. I cant decide what i think the most common question people ask themselves is. Like most questions we ask ourselves, we dont really intend to find an answer. We either know the answer is one which wont be to our liking, or its a pointless question in reality. If indeed there is such a thing as a pointless question. How often though do i come up with absolute, decided answers to my question? It's really like im just thinking endlessly about the same things, i just follow strange tangents until i look up and realize an hour has passed. Everyone is seeking something, so many of the things we seek already have answers or known ends. But self discovery is a favorite badge of ours to wear. It really doesnt matter how much wisdom other people offer us, from personal experience even, we just want to stick our thumb in the hot pie. What is the most important question, Well why of course. But is there one basic question? If answered it would answer all other questions? A basic truth from which all other truth stems? That leads to yet another question though. If truth stems from truth, is there really one truth? nope, it must mean that there are hundreds of truths? if the all share a common ancestor can they really be so different? A Doberman vs. a beagle? dog dog dog dog dog dog

Fortress-
PInback

Great peach in the sky, grown in my dirt

Tattoo ink never runs dry OOOO

there just isn't a chance, the layout is too dull. Didn't you know this would come? In all your wisdom you've become lazy. Your keen eye got you here, your observation allowed you to gather knowledge. Now you begin to rest in its ill received comfort. Dont stop looking, feel your ignorance. Intertwine the fool and the wise; only then can you become something. Acknowledge your achievement, find comfort in it, but know that it's really nothing and reach for more. Know that your clever, but know you'll never know enough to BE clever. Clever, maybe even cleverer, But not Clever,as in a noun. You'd think since we've been given a fat chance, there would be a higher likelihood of success. Nope, fat, as in obese. Never a good thing you see, too much to see. A lot you wont see as well, your feet for example. Or say.. your clogging arteries?

Dont choke when all you have to do is chew. Breath for a second, in the nose and then hold it...out the mouth. Rip the fruit with your front teeth, your first taste. Move it to your back teeth, all the while tasting and savoring the new flavors with your tongue. Then swallow the fruit only when you've deemed it fit for your consumption. There is always the option to spit it out, or better yet, don't pick it up at all.

ide prefer, sodium bicarbonate and citric acid to close my pores, then a nice fist punch. Or really just a splash of cold water.

Ill take a brief break from saving memories. It used to be simpler, before my self image rose. When i thought i had nothing of value to offer anyone. Before i thought i was smarter. I would just say things to clear my head, or try to impress somebody, try to improve somebody, stop somebody. I cant ever see things the same, once someone tells me how they see me. I dont want to let down their expectation, but by trying i do. At least it feels that way

I guess life just goes that way. Progression can too often be found in regression. Ive been looking through my older writings, and somehow they feel more honest,idk. I'll hear back from the schools i sent applications to by the end of this month. Hope it's not all in my head. Thats the key tho, it's all in all of our heads.

Ive probably said it before, but oh well. I always assume that what people are saying,speaking, is a direct reflection of what they are thinking. Therefore, If they only speak non sense, chit chat, Worthless noise, etc.. then they must only think about such things. For some reason, i dont apply this rule to myself. The words i say are significantly fewer then the words i am thinking. Why wouldnt it be the same for others? Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. But it's extremely presumptuous of me to believe im smarter based on what other people say in comparison to what i think, isnt it?

i really hate blogging, I really do. I should just write it in a notebook and wait for it to become a book someday. That's just not going to happen tho, im selfish and afraid of being forgetful. I want instant gratification you see, moral dissension in perfect accordance with social moral acceptance. I want desperately to go everywhere, But these things must be done while im young, before the "window" of flexibility of the,my, mind is closed. Which path do i choose? Where is it that im hoping to end up. I dont know really, In all honesty im expecting to not know until i choose a path and find it to be the wrong one. I feel like im already on a wrong path, yet i feel no sense of change. I feel the need to change drastically, but i have no idea where to go. Its sort of like a path with big walls on either side, i need to get off this path, But to do so i need to either backtrack a few years, or just sprint to the end of this horrible road

HA

peachy

Come on out prince, Its just me. You can drop the act now... Whats this... such a nice cape tossed on the ground. Come on out. you damn fiend! Your smile isnt looking so white out here in the dark.. whats that i smell? That pungent, sickly sweet smell? Is that you dear prince? Oh prince dear prince come on out. What the...a dead dear? No forks, no knives, and no fire? tut tut tut where have your delicate table manners disappeared to?

Allright! Here, im right Over here! Did i ever ask to be this way! Didnt i warn you people! I told you, i TOLD you! Show yourself oh holy and gracious hunter. Pierce with your favored arrow! You've spilled it before BUT LET IT FLOW NOW! or be done with it!

Here, my prince, just a little further. This dance has taken such time to prepare, musn't waste an occasion as....seductive as this. The light is just so flattering. Breath for moment wont you? The breeze is delectably revealing..

What is this Witchcraft and Whore mongering you act? Fight me and be quick, fate is assigned and destiny awaits. To which bitter end the shaft or to sate. I see no stage, but feel a part i do indeed play. A dance an act its all been set. Step forward.


Here my damned prince, my dearest fiend. Favored arrow indeed, Knocked to be free. Look true upon all you see, i call you out. Traitor and liar, scholar and fool but above all my loveless tool.

What...what is this...my....my love, my queen. Why..why are you out here. What business is this. Your clothes....where..its..why are you naked. I dont understand...is this some sort of trick, is this the scene you proposed?

Foolish thing, ripe like fruit. Crave for flesh, bounce or flex? Covered and concealed my worth unknown. Know you see what you were never shown.



hahahahahahaha what a joke

Something is a bubbalin behind my back

So the contrast tighten and constrict. What Kind of man do i want to be? A voice, a megaphone, a sound, a conscience? I dont know. I feel as if i were living in a life that consist of only parallels. One direction takes me in a desirable yet contrasting direction. I must give up entirely on one to achieve the other. That might just be the way things are tho;Find a love, marry a wife but give up on the countless number of attractive and unique women. Doctor to save lives, Cop to prevent the need to save. Why choose one over the other, how do you? Obviously these are terrible examples maybe not but how do you choose? Do you measure the amount of regret each choice would take, the fulfillment they might cause, they emptiness they could inevitably never fill? Is it a lesser of evils? Should it not be a choice of the greater good?

But when has the greater good every been that much better for man?

I do enjoy archie(Jimmy), And for some reason i like, almost sympathize with Rumple,Gold.

Fallen and Attached

Your Voice so strong, speaks words so weak.
So empty and without sound.
Not even a breeze
to stir the leaves.
Fallen and attached

Incredibly close
to being real
How many words
can i write about you
Given a form
A love ill share

In the caves
we shave
our heads.
To let ourselves
breath


Alot of time has been spent recently filling out college application's and writing their essays. Its been a semi pain in the butt, but rather enjoyable over all. In the pursuit of originality its far easier to be a phony then you might think. I can take on this air of superiority when i havent a clue as to what im talking about. If i make enough vague statements they might think im intelligent. When you talk to someone that'll work, Say enough strange things fast enough, and they'll go, "Wow..i dont know what you mean," People mistake their ignorance or your "knowledge" for Wisdom so they must be dumber, BUT REALLY YOUR JUST SHOOT ASS AIR OUT OF YOUR MOUTH! and no one see's that...maybe they do. So often that can happen to me, Someone says something strange that really doesnt make sense, then when im a bit confused they suddenly get some sort of complex about it.How in the world can you NOT understand what im saying? Doesnt everyone think this way?"no..." Oh well i guess im just crazy then huh? NO! phony. I dont understand everyones constant need to feel that they require a psych ward.. No fun. Thats like wanting to go to the hospital...THAT is wanting to go to the hospital, but for your emotional brain and stuff.