suppose i were the villian? would you let me get numb?

Well inevitably there had to be a section coming today, or early yesterday rather late yesterday and early today. It has been a strange build up. This year has been a weird one for me. Plenty of self discovered epiphanies, well no, thats crap, nothing is really ever self discovered i dont live in a cave. But these realizations don't do anything without acting, and realzing and realizing how to act upon are different things entirely.

i turned eighteen, i thought there would be some sort of weight landing on my chest in the night with a note attached that said i was free to do as i pleased but ive always been free to do what i want. As usual the expectation did not meet up with reality although this might have been for the better.(you are not to blame)Im watching the from the basement live radiohead. i haven't felt...well much of anything for a while.Where do can you draw the line between compassion and pity? Is there a line or is one just the courier for the other? i intended this to be a woo im eighteen and feeling opprotunity's knock matching my own heartbeat sort of thing. Not to say that its not, isn't opprotunity always knocking, only waiting to be received.

Caring about what i think feels like caring about someone else's opinion sometimes. Im muddled up from plastered assumptions. Speaking of assumptions, ass out of you and me aside, ever hear what someone thinks about you and you like it? Wonder how in the hell they assumed or could even imagine that about you? Wow i didnt know i even left an impression let alone a crater. You dont ever want to let it down do ya, let them know your not that Golden person that distance so fiendishly portrayed you to be?

Lord Henry said that to live honestly fulfilled, deeply enriched, charismaticly(charisma,aura) sure footed you must Follow every emotion and fancy down any ally way they choose, not to be afraid of any thought you have, any emotion you feel, to laugh in philosophies face, to pull down any pre set notions of what is, who's to say the mad man isnt right?" But thats a dangerous path, a dark one a sad one.

none of this is in any way indicating today was a bad day, i in fact enjoyed most of today. A good birthday, memorable? eh But i did like and enjoy this day.It is just that i couldn't seem to make anything about that situation fit into what seems to be keeping me awake. So In hopes of finding something that would allow me some rest, i threw everything that presented itself to the fore-front of my mind. Waiting its turn in line for quite some time, so i reckon its only, only.

ill have more later, but i dont feel quite so ergent.

We think the same thing at the same time,we just cant do anything about it

-ian

Ordinarily the ordinary doesn't seem out of place but fits right in to the normal and expected.it might cause a scare if it suddenly were no longer there. But when we find an extraordinarily unreachable person or object becoming ordinary it frightens the heck out of me. Can nothing stay out of range from our smudging finger prints?does the object fall from grace or do we withdraw or grace? The object viewed from afar appears faultless and entirely desirable but up close falls short and reveals themselves nothing but ordinary. Our expectations, their humaness,our selfishness,lack or frank truth about ourselves. WHY do the imperfect seek the perfect? I don't seek perfection in myself but long to find it elsewhere. Once found I intend to keep it hidden away, from myself or others?

Those who climb will always climb. Continuing to pull down,cast aside, objects and foot holds they strove so long for. Only to continue climbing. The perfect stopping point is not there


Bah

It's so sad, age is a cycle. You start out frail and helpless with people being protective of you.you grow and start to learn,you flesh things out for your own. Then you peak and go down the slow agonizing decent into seniality. People begin to once again talk down to you, but were they talked to you out of promise and protection, they now talk to you out of pity. They feel bad you
I feel bad for them

Bah