How do you know when everything's okay? You know you'll be happy someday, that the life you've lived is the one you were supposed to have had. Is anyone really supposed to have anything, as in pre determined to have anything. I think people who believe everything happens for a reason are scared to admit they might die without purpose, as in a meaningless death. I dont know what i wished would have been, if anything maybe that ide walked around more. Not so much that i want to see the scenery, im sure its great, wouldnt it be great tho to be able to tell people that you used to walk everywhere? I just thought of this, it probably isnt true, but it has such a nice ring to it, i thought maybe it might be. Im sad alot of the times, i cant really explain why, or i couldnt, often i thought it was because i had nothing to be sad about. Life seems empty, like walking towards a goal we dont want. Youth is great because it ends. So is life. That brings me to the question "Can sweetness be fully enjoyed without bitter as a contrast, light dark, love hate"
Just now tho, i thought maybe im sad because of my inability to acknowledge my own sanity.I cant accept that nothing about me is unique and all these problems are the same problems hundreds of other people suffer through, if your replaceable, why wake up? Hmm...

I like that movie, i just watched one.Submarine, i really do like it, as much as i like "The catcher in the Rye". As far as movies Go, about being young, Its definitely in my top three. I had a lot of "just nows" but they were spaced out a few hours apart each. sort of, im pretty selfish, it was really only spaced between 9 o clock and three 0 clock.

dear friend regrettably

im sure this will pass

But today i feel an infinite ability to be depressed, to embrace depression. Everything seems so sad and trivial. Why do people spend the best 20 years of their life doing dull work. If it makes them happy i guess, but it seems everything just runs towards a miserable end. Happy love, burned out in a sad marriage; young love put out by a young couples baby. Life ends i guess, i cant really explain myself too well right now. Is the trick in self illusion, or disillusionment. I was talking to alli the other day, i asked her how do you define great men? Why does history only tell the tales of great men? Even those great men become forgotten. We dont remember the things that really matter, sure they made some great art, or they found some new theory, But what was their favorite morning routine, did they love, really love? Were they a morning or night person, what did their neighbors think of them? People strive to be remembered after they are being eaten by worms. Why? Does being remembered make you any less dead? NOPE, when you have dirt in your ears, i dont think you really care anymore. Strive for everything but for what? Asking these questions dont accomplish anything, will being remembered cause the worms to be any less hungry? No, but i like that little quip, it pleases me.


Well...i have to head to work...i think im done making soap...i dont like it..or the atmosphere

sorry, ill be fine soon