The past recedes, hindsighten me

Bah, dear god. The past recedes, hindsighten me. It is so strange how moments pass and they are nothing. Often seem trivial, pointless or even painful. But as it is with many a flash back, the memory appears sweet and fogged in a romantacised haze. A sugar cloud clotting the bleeding vein called time."time regained is paradise lost" Details are lost, well not lost for me anyways, but less acutely felt. Its not so much a sharp needle in my arm, as a strange dull, ache, remembered pain. Aslan and C-reezy...who'da thunk it kids? Its pretty crazy right? So my predicament is not so bad, not bad at all, a simple miss understanding 'old sport'.

i sure hope this hindsight, receding past, sweet hazy fog of memories dont lead me to believe, or remind me that this point in my life will be the best, i hope highschool isnt the crowning moment. I do hope it is at least a building block or..stepping stone? At the very least a neccessary shot in the arm, that inoculates me to all the idiots i will meet later.

thats all for now, i need to get some shut eye, Im starting early morning stretches soon, with two people, three if you include me.Well have a good night Ian, for your the only one who reads these, but their more for you anyways. Dont worry so much about how it reads, compared with your older ones, or their newer ones.

-for emma
Ian

we make our own destiny

WHY! why does everyone feel the need to try to sexy everyone up? Is that the only thing matters in life? I suppose it is, its the vice, the muse, the treasure, the curse, the soul, the shame, the great ecstacy and finally the great bane of humanity. innocent children grow pliable to it's firm and un yielding hand. So must they tho if we as a race are to continue.

Its so sad to see something thought of as naive, something you wished would just stay naive and ignorant. Waving hello to the criminals earnestly because they looked sad. Only to find her doing some seemingly ,un,avoidable act of age. The way society and peer pressure and just overall acceptance of higher tolerancy levels. Not to say that i am far from fault. Im Not, im part of the problem, when i see older people or even those my age doing, i see nothing wrong with, even enjoy it. It just seems so wrong, out of place. But people do grow up, they eventually snap from the bindings we placed in a futile attempt to stunt and curve their growth to fit our ideas and notions.

Destiny is in your own hands, fate is a myth. A lazy excuse for people who do not wish to try, and when they do try and fail, already they have set up a convenient scape goat. Let no man decide your will. Your mind is a home, guest are just that, people you have the ability to let in our force out,Of course there are burglars and intruders.

-Ian

Why do we put so much stock into being remembered? Your gone, dead, your brain and ego or buried. Shallow or deeply has no relevance your buried and dead. So what do you care if your remembered or not? Do budahs bones glitter with joy at how loved and respected he is so many years after he's died? I sure don't think so. Unless we are aloud to feel pleasure in heaven over our earthly deeds. Not to sound like I'm hating on budah, I think he was great, but what does it matter that I think he's great, does it matter to anyone but myself? I suppose its only a comforting gesture, a pacified, to think about at the end of your life. I'm gonna be remembered...ya sure I am, people will miss me.. but for how long? A day a week?

Live in the moment then??
Not sure

Hindsighten me, the past recedes

i might elaborate but i dont know, im very tired. The explosions in the sky show, was so incredibly breath taking. Like ryan who i met there said, "it was like a spiritual experience" and i couldnt agree more. i was moved to an entirely different dimension, where music was emotion, and emotions where raw. Memories came and went as if they were happening then for the very first time. The passion with which they played was just..breath taking. It was a performance yes, but i believe it would have looked the same if they were simply practicing in their homes. They love and feel what they are doing, that is the thing about music, music done right,is a very spiritual and emotional experience because it all comes from our emotions and soul. Music from pure thought or mechanical procedures is like listening to a machine whir as its cogs continue to grind, day after day.

ill maybe come back and edit some more, im so tired tho i lose my thought after each punctuation mark.

Peace

-The earth is not a cold dead place

suppose i were the villian? would you let me get numb?

Well inevitably there had to be a section coming today, or early yesterday rather late yesterday and early today. It has been a strange build up. This year has been a weird one for me. Plenty of self discovered epiphanies, well no, thats crap, nothing is really ever self discovered i dont live in a cave. But these realizations don't do anything without acting, and realzing and realizing how to act upon are different things entirely.

i turned eighteen, i thought there would be some sort of weight landing on my chest in the night with a note attached that said i was free to do as i pleased but ive always been free to do what i want. As usual the expectation did not meet up with reality although this might have been for the better.(you are not to blame)Im watching the from the basement live radiohead. i haven't felt...well much of anything for a while.Where do can you draw the line between compassion and pity? Is there a line or is one just the courier for the other? i intended this to be a woo im eighteen and feeling opprotunity's knock matching my own heartbeat sort of thing. Not to say that its not, isn't opprotunity always knocking, only waiting to be received.

Caring about what i think feels like caring about someone else's opinion sometimes. Im muddled up from plastered assumptions. Speaking of assumptions, ass out of you and me aside, ever hear what someone thinks about you and you like it? Wonder how in the hell they assumed or could even imagine that about you? Wow i didnt know i even left an impression let alone a crater. You dont ever want to let it down do ya, let them know your not that Golden person that distance so fiendishly portrayed you to be?

Lord Henry said that to live honestly fulfilled, deeply enriched, charismaticly(charisma,aura) sure footed you must Follow every emotion and fancy down any ally way they choose, not to be afraid of any thought you have, any emotion you feel, to laugh in philosophies face, to pull down any pre set notions of what is, who's to say the mad man isnt right?" But thats a dangerous path, a dark one a sad one.

none of this is in any way indicating today was a bad day, i in fact enjoyed most of today. A good birthday, memorable? eh But i did like and enjoy this day.It is just that i couldn't seem to make anything about that situation fit into what seems to be keeping me awake. So In hopes of finding something that would allow me some rest, i threw everything that presented itself to the fore-front of my mind. Waiting its turn in line for quite some time, so i reckon its only, only.

ill have more later, but i dont feel quite so ergent.

We think the same thing at the same time,we just cant do anything about it

-ian

Ordinarily the ordinary doesn't seem out of place but fits right in to the normal and expected.it might cause a scare if it suddenly were no longer there. But when we find an extraordinarily unreachable person or object becoming ordinary it frightens the heck out of me. Can nothing stay out of range from our smudging finger prints?does the object fall from grace or do we withdraw or grace? The object viewed from afar appears faultless and entirely desirable but up close falls short and reveals themselves nothing but ordinary. Our expectations, their humaness,our selfishness,lack or frank truth about ourselves. WHY do the imperfect seek the perfect? I don't seek perfection in myself but long to find it elsewhere. Once found I intend to keep it hidden away, from myself or others?

Those who climb will always climb. Continuing to pull down,cast aside, objects and foot holds they strove so long for. Only to continue climbing. The perfect stopping point is not there


Bah

It's so sad, age is a cycle. You start out frail and helpless with people being protective of you.you grow and start to learn,you flesh things out for your own. Then you peak and go down the slow agonizing decent into seniality. People begin to once again talk down to you, but were they talked to you out of promise and protection, they now talk to you out of pity. They feel bad you
I feel bad for them

Bah